I’m fine… really… I am!

21 Apr

Firstly, a little retrospective on being ‘fine’.

Obviously I’ve been asked a lot recently how I am, and I think I always answer ‘I’m fine’. That’s not just me being polite, I do really think at the time that I am fine. People close to me know I am a terrible terrible liar, and so trust me, I do (and did) believe it every time.

But, I have learned over time that I am often wrong on how I feel, strangely enough. I’m not trying to be a martyr, or selfless. It’s more that I really do think I’m fine at each stage, but it’s amazing how every time I look back I think ‘wow, I’m so much better now, I really wasn’t fine then… but I’m fine now!’. And then a few weeks/months later I think… I really wasn’t in as good shape as I thought. It seems that as well as being a terrible liar, I am excellent at kidding myself.

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This image is a bit dramatic, but in many ways it was me hiding things from myself. Insane I realise.

Some key moments I look back at when I was ‘fine’, include the mistake of going back to work at a time when I was dealing with leaving family, accepting I have cancer, doing IVF and somehow thinking I could manage a smooth handover. I thought I was fine… but clearly I wasn’t, and I’m not sure what planet I was on thinking work was a good idea – either for me or my uncomfortable workmates. It took a minor breakdown in the bathrooms, and a visit to a counselor to snap me out of it and realize I had to stop going to work. Lets be honest, I wasn’t actually doing any effective work anyway.

Another good moment was the excellent decision to walk to the GP the day after I was out of hospital, because I was ‘fine’. And numerous others… not quite as individually silly, but things that look totally different looking back at them, and I find that quite interesting.

I’m sure psychologists have theories about why we kid ourselves that things are fine when they aren’t, but I do think it’s a useful part of recovery.Perhaps I am naturally optimistic and I think once the treatment started I never really believed it would go badly (except at 3am when my brain wouldn’t shut up – but no one is asking then!). This document captures it a little.

BUT – ignoring all that, I thought I’d let you all know that I’m fine! For sure this time! 

I reserve the right to look back and change my mind if necessary, but at the moment I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I’ve learned that getting better is a long road, as much mental as physical, and I shouldn’t be surprised to look back and see things differently in time.

And even looking back a few weeks to the afternoon tea, I’m better now than I was then. I think the holiday was great as it got me out of the house. I feel physically stronger, and mentally more resilient too. We did a lot of long walking touristy days, that were soooo tiring to start with, but by the end I felt so much more confident in myself and in my body. It’s easy to be ‘fine’ at home with everything familiar around you, but now I also feel like I can confidently face the world.

Tomorrow is the next big step – going back to work. I’m a little nervous, but I’m sure all will be back to normal soon enough, the only change will be that Health and Safety will make sure I have a fancy new chair and and as much desktop egonomics as they can find! It is an insurance company after all, they know a risk when they see it.

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Next appointment with the doc is actually only a week away, so I will do a quick update after that, but I’m assuming everything will be ok as it’s a standard checkup. I will also find out when the next set of scans are planned, which will be another good milestone.

End of tonight’s rambling. 🙂

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4 Responses to “I’m fine… really… I am!”

  1. Bigzippy May 6, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    I know the “fine”s of which you speak. Some most definitely are necessary to keep going, in my experience.

    How was the check up? When are the scans?

  2. kathclear May 6, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

    Hi BZ,

    Congrats on your news! Hopefully you have a calm and uneventful 9 months.

    All went fine at the doctor the other day. He even released me from having to wear the medical stockings – so I can actually enjoy the good weather. He did another smear at the appointment, so hopefully that came back clear – I’m assuming I would have heard otherwise.

    Next set of scans will be in July sometime, but I’m not yet sure when. I’m pretty calm about it all so hopefully that continues when I’m waiting for the next set of results!

    • Bigzippy May 8, 2013 at 12:32 am #

      Thumbs up 😀

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Farewell 2013 | Kath's Cervical Cancer Journey - December 30, 2013

    […] me, not a lot happened for a few months. Getting back to work was ok. As always I rushed it a bit, thinking I would be able to hit the ground running, but it did […]

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